If Only
by obasan45
Summary: Reishin/Kijin. Warning: Yaoi. Kijin attempts to bridge the widening gap between the thirteen-year-old Koyu and himself.


**Title : ****If Only . . .**

**Disclaimer :** **I don't own Saiunkoku Monogatari. It belongs to Sai Yukino.**

**Rating : M**

**Genre : ****Family/Humour**

**Warnings : ****Yaoi**

**Pairing :** **Reishin/Kijin**

**Summary : ****Kijin attempts to bridge the widening gap between the thirteen-year-old Koyu and himself.**

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* * *

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_If only Reishin would hurry up with the sex-talk!_

Kijin missed _his_ Reishin.

This Reishin, the one whose beautiful silky hair was wasted in a top-knot, the one who was sitting at the breakfast table in his formal robes, the one who was without all the lovely mannerisms that made him what he was, this was not his Dumpling.

His Dumpling had gone missing five years ago, ever since he left on an errand, and came home without his purchases, but with a kid in tow. Kijin didn't mind Reishin's unilateral decision to adopt a kid. He didn't even really mind that he, at the age of twenty-two, was thrown into being a parent to what looked like an eight-year-old.

The thing that upset Kijin was Reishin's insistence that they had to hide the true nature of their relationship. Reishin was adamant that Koyu was too young to handle information on how babies are made, much less information on how babies are NOT made! So, to avoid the sticky situation of his adopted father and his adopted father's friend sharing a room, Kijin had to take a separate room. When the lights went out in the manor, Kijin would sneak into Reishin's room, and he would leave before dawn.

For five years, the only glimpses Kijin got of his Reishin were between lights out and dawn. And Kijin was too busy not making babies to truly appreciate the other aspects of his Reishin. Kijin was impatient to get back the Reishin of the pouting painted lips and seductive side-long glances.

Kijin shifted his gaze to take in his sort-of adopted son. If he were thirteen, he was a strapping thirteen. He was just half a head short of Reishin's height. Kijin was certain that Koyu was more than ready for the facts of life, _including _thedelicate matter of his father's sexual orientation. He didn't understand what Reishin was waiting for.

Still a boy, of course, but already the strong jaw line was evident. But Koyu's most striking feature was his very large almond-shaped eyes. The only expression those penetrating pale grey eyes ever show to Kijin was an open and seething hostility. Kijin had no idea where that came from, but after countless overtures on his part, he had given up trying to overcome Koyu's dislike of him. In any case, he had no role to play. He couldn't be a parent to Koyu, not when he was officially just Koyu's father's friend.

Koyu sensed Kijin's gaze on him. He turned and stared unblinkingly at Kijin. Koyu was never actually rude to Kijin, not in the way of words or behaviour. But his eyes said everything. Disconcerted, Kijin was glad he had a mask to hide his embarrassment and irritation.

The impasse was noticed by Reishin, who tactfully diverted Koyu's attention by making a comment on Koyu's new dish. The vegetarian springroll was delectable, but Kijin knew better than to praise it. The first and only time Kijin expressed his appreciation of Koyu's culinary skills, saw the end of Koyu's shrimp dumplings. Because it was Kijin's favourite, it was never made again. Kijin quietly enjoyed the springroll.  
_At least I'm allowed to eat, so long as I keep my mouth shut!_

_It's delicious, but it's still not shrimp dumplings._

_Dammit, I want back my Dumpling!_

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* * *

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_If only Kijin would tell me what he's planning._

Reishin lay on his bed, bruised, bleeding, humiliated, and totally confused.

What started off as normal love-making had turned into a nightmare. They were kissing when Kijin froze. He tilted his head a fraction towards the window. He hesitated, his brows slightly furrowed. Then he reached for the mask he had just taken off a few minutes before, and tied it back on.

Reishin opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but his question was muffled by Kijin's hand over his mouth. He felt Kijin's other hand grab his unbound hair and yank his head backwards. His scalp and neck hurting, Reishin stared in bewilderment at the mask inches from his face, trying to make sense of this rough treatment that was totally at odds with Kijin's usual gentle love-making.

He repeated to himself, like a mantra, "I trust him, I trust him, I trust him". Frightened, but unresisting, Reishin allowed himself to be manhandled. He could hardly believe it when he heard the fabric of his robes ripping as Kijin stripped him unceremoniously.

Reishin was not ready. He cried out in pain. In a daze, he endured the discomfort and humiliation.

"Forgive me, Dumpling. Koyu was watching us. I have a plan. Please trust me."

Kijin withdrew, dressed and left.

_Oh god, Koyu, are you alright? Are you still watching?_

_Koyu's only thirteen! Kijin must be mad to put him through this!_

_No, no, I trust Kijin._

_I really messed up. I know how tough these past five years have been for you, Kijin. I couldn't tell Koyu about us because his hostility towards you is growing instead of subsiding. I'm so sorry, Kijin._

Pulling the sheets to cover his nakedness, Reishin curled into a fetal position. He closed his eyes and chanted his mantra.

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* * *

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_If only that masked monster would drop dead!_

Koyu shook with anger and impotence. He will kill that man, he swore he will.

The first time Koyu met him, he was surprised by the mask, but he had no negative reaction to this man who called himself ki-jin. Koyu's curiosity about the mask grew, but he sensed that he was not to ask about it. In fact, Koyu had a strong sense of Lord Reishin's unease at any questions pertaining to his friend. His eight-year-old mind started to imagine all sorts of things. Was Lord Reishin afraid? Why was Lord Reishin staying in this man's manor? What sort of monster lurked behind that mask? Did the masked monster have some hold on Lord Reishin?

Koyu began to observe Kijin, trying to unravel the mystery. Koyu noted that every so often, he would excuse himself and leave the room. When he returned after such absences, his jet-black hair would be damp with sweat. What was his secret? Koyu decided to trail him. He excused himself from the dinner table, telling Lord Reishin that he needed the lavatory.

Koyu's amnesia worked strangely. He didn't remember events, but he didn't forget skills and general information. He was literate, he recognized passages from the books in the manor's library as being familiar. His calligraphy skills were excellent. In the same way, he knew about the facts of life, but cannot recall when or how he learnt them. So he understood sex, and he understood what he saw Kijin do with himself that evening, in the unused room next to the dining hall.

Subsequently, Koyu chanced upon Kijin's hand groping Lord Reishin's butt. The masked man then came to be the repository of all things bad and frightening. Koyu knew what his father's friend was after. He began to fear for Lord Reishin. He began to hate the masked man.

Two days before, Koyu overheard a servant commenting on Kijin's nocturnal visits to Reishin's room. Koyu's world collapsed. How could Lord Reishin welcome such attention? Koyu definitely saw Lord Reishin squirm away from the monster's groping hand that time. He had to save his father. But before that, he needed to see for himself what went on during those nocturnal visits.

Koyu flushed at the recollection of what he had just witnessed. He seethed silently. He knew what he had to do.

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* * *

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Kijin was waiting for him.

"Are you plotting my demise? Come in, Koyu, and close the door."

"What hold do you have over Lord Reishin?"

"Come now, you can't seriously think I would answer that question."

Kijin paused.

"Let me guess. You have come with a proposition - yourself in exchange for your father. This serves two purposes. One, it saves Reishin from me. Two, that's your only chance to get close enough to me to murder me. Am I right?"

Kijin watched as a multitude of expressions played on Koyu's face. Shock, fear, humiliation, love, and a brazen resolve. Kijin was moved.

Koyu took a deep breath.

"Knowing all that, Lord Kijin, will you still accept the proposition?"

Kijin was impressed. It was difficult to maintain a mocking front.

"Do you really think so highly of your own allure, Li Koyu?"

"No, I don't. But I think lowly enough of you to guess that you would be thrilled by the gamble."

_Only thirteen years old!_

Kijin was momentarily speechless.

And then he laughed.

"Very well, Koyu, I accept your proposition, on one condition. I like your honesty, and I want your promise that you will keep that up, even as you scheme to kill me. Agreed?"

Koyu nodded, frowning, and biting his lip.

"Good."

Kijin dropped his outer robes.

"Do the same, and get into bed."

Koyu lay face-up. He tensed as he felt the mattress dip with Kijin's weight. Keeping his eyes resolutely closed, he sensed Kijin arranging himself next to him. He tasted bile in his mouth. He waited. The silence and stillness was driving him insane.

Breathing. He could _hear _deep breathing next to him.

_Is he asleep? How can that be?_

Unable to stand the suspense anymore, Koyu opened his eyes. He turned his head slowly to look at the man next to him. Koyu stared. He was really asleep, and without his mask! Koyu raised himself a little to look down at the sleeping face.

_He is so beautiful! I always thought his face must be hideous. Why would a man hide such beauty?_

_No, not just beauty, he looks like a really nice person. How could this be the face of a monster?_

_Of course he's a monster! He hurt Lord Reishin! And I'm going to kill him for that._

_NOW'S the chance!_

_Wait a minute. Why is he exposing himself like this? He KNOWS I will try to murder him!_

Confused, Koyu hesitated.

_I need to think!_

Koyu lay back down, taking deep breaths to calm down. A lot of things didn't make sense.

_Why didn't he touch me?_

_He was WAITING for me – how did he know I would come?_

_When he withdrew, he had whispered something to Lord Reishin, and Lord Reishin's hand touched his shoulder briefly. That touch was trusting, and tender. There was definitely a connection between them. _

_What is going on?_

_Does Lord Reishin enjoy rough sex? If so, then why am I depriving him of that?_

_Does Lord Reishin love him? _

_Does he love Lord Reishin? How COULD he, he's a monster!_

Koyu took another look at the peacefully sleeping monster.

_Damn! He looks so kind!_

Koyu's head was pounding. He rubbed his temples. Little things that didn't make sense before began to click together. Those times when Kijin excused himself from the room, there was always a flicker of reaction from Lord Reishin. Obviously Lord Reishin knew what those absences were about, and he looked . . . what? Regretful? Apologetic?

_Oh my god. Those absences go back all the way to when I was first adopted! Have they been lovers all this time? WHY are they hiding the fact?_

[Time lapse]

A sound woke him up. Koyu took a few seconds to remember the situation he was in. He heard the sound again. A low moan, followed by a hoarsely whispered "dumpling".

_Dumpling. He said "dumpling". Why is that so familiar?_

_But of course! Lord Reishin had given him a sharp look, that one time when I heard him address Lord Reishin by that name. They HAVE to be lovers!_

Another moan. Koyu turned to look at Kijin. He blushed at the evidence of Kijin's Dumpling-inspired dream. Koyu thought quickly. He could turn this to his advantage.

Kijin, suspended between dreaming and waking, felt the welcome pressure of fingers curling around him. Ahhhhh . . . Dumpling! Reishin often brought him into the waking world in this pleasurable fashion. Floating, drifting, Kijin vaguely wondered why he could feel the silk between himself and those fingers. He gave up trying to focus, letting his consciousness glide into wakefulness in tandem with his arousal.

Koyu, blushing furiously, steadfastly maintained a firm fist through the slippery silk.

_Just don't think about it! Detachment! Detachment!_

He watched, waiting.

_Anytime now . . ._

Kijin's reaction was so violent that Koyu burst out laughing. Which was a good thing. The laughing dissolved all of Koyu's embarrassment. Looking at the panicked Kijin, with his back pressed up against the wall, pulling the sheets on top of his silk pants, Koyu knew he had the upper hand. He also knew the answer to some of the questions that had bugged him the whole night. This man shrinking away from him couldn't possibly be the same man that accepted Koyu's indecent proposal the night before. And it was obvious that THIS one was genuine, which would mean that the monster was fake.

"Good morning, Lord Kijin. As you requested, I'm going to be totally honest now. I have TONS of questions to ask you! Some of which are seriously intimate."

Looking at Kijin's expression, Koyu laughed again.

"And, Lord Kijin, if you are equally honest in your answers, I'll make you shrimp dumplings for breakfast."

Kijin glared at his sort-of adopted son.

_If only he would stop laughing!_

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Kijin sat down noiselessly. It never failed to amuse him how absorbed Koyu became when he was reading. He watched Koyu's furrowed brow absently, sighing softly. It never failed to exasperate him how Reishin would push all "talks" with Koyu to him. When Kijin tried to reason with Reishin, Reishin would get into a fluster, and bring up the mess he made, the mess that was cleared up _only_ when Kijin stepped in.

_How long has it been? A year?_

_I can't believe that I am still too embarrassed to tell Reishin HOW Koyu resolved the issue!_

Kijin DID have a plan, even though it was an open-ended, vague one. His plan was to force Koyu to be in close proximity to him, in the hope that some mutual understanding would result. Towards that end, Kijin had allowed Koyu to see his naked face, as he supposed it would be difficult to relate to a wooden mask. Kijin also wanted Koyu to sleep next to him. He wanted Koyu to see that he was willing to lay himself open, even in the face of Koyu's threat to kill him. Kijin also believed, intuitively, that the process of _watching _someone sleep is somehow conducive to bonding.

He expected that his plan would take a considerable period of time to work. What he _didn't _expect was that Koyu would speed things up, by taking matters into his own right hand! Kijin was grateful that he woke up just before he came, his humiliation would have been that much worse otherwise.

In the short time they had before dawn, five years of misunderstandings got thrashed out and resolved. True to his promise, Koyu was scrupulously honest, and Kijin had responded in kind.

Kijin subsequently related most of that night's happenings to Reishin, with the single omission of Koyu's silk-clad hand-job. AND the price Koyu exacted for keeping his mouth shut! Kijin smiled ruefully.

_Ah well, I get to eat his shrimp dumplings regularly. Fair exchange, I guess._

"Oh! Lord Kijin! How long have you been here?"

"Forever. Can I keep you away from your book for a bit?"

Koyu slipped a bookmark in, and closed the book. He looked at Kijin with mildly raised brows.

"Serious talk? Did Lord Reishin send you?"

"Uh-huh. Reishin wants to know what's happening in your sex life."

Koyu sputtered.

"Sex life? I'm only fourteen! NOTHING'S happening in my sex life!"

Koyu's expression suddenly became far too innocent.

"At least, not since a year ago . . . "

Kijin groaned.

"Is it time to pay again? Koyu, you are a monster!"

He braced himself.

" Alright, what's the question?"

Koyu leaned forward and whispered it.

Kijin's ears turned bright red.

"You _can't_ be asking me that question!"

Grinning, Koyu coaxed softly.

"You just have to say YES or NO, Lord Kijin."

". . . yes."

Koyu's brows rose.

"Oh my god, I didn't think . . . "

"KOYU! Commenting on my answers is NOT part of the deal!"

From the window, Reishin couldn't hear the conversation. But he could see Koyu bent over in laughter, his upper body sprawling on the stone table. Kijin jumped up from his stone stool, reached across the table, pulled Koyu by the collar, hoisted him up and pinned him against the tree trunk.

Reishin smiled, both happy and sad at the same time.

_If only I could relate to Koyu like that._

Kijin resumed his seat. Panting from the scuffle, Koyu sank down on his stone stool, exhausted.

"Seriously, Koyu, Reishin is concerned that you don't show any interest in girls."

Koyu's big eyes got bigger.  
"Coming from Lord Reishin, that is really strange!"

"Not at all, Koyu. He's worried that your perspective might be skewed by our, uh, bad example."

Koyu grinned.

"Oh. Bad example, hmmm. Like the time I dropped my chopsticks, and saw Lord Reishin groping you under the table? Or maybe that day in Lord Reishin's study, when I accidentally stepped on the hem of your robes protruding from under the modesty board of Lord Reishin's desk? Ah yes! Then there was that time when I walked into the library and found the two adult-figures in my life engaged in the most unspeakable act. THAT should be enough to scar me for life!"

"I'm sorry, Koyu, we really are bad examples, we should be more discreet."

Koyu looked at the subdued Kijin in surprise.

_Lord Reishin must have really given him a dressing down!_

"Not at all, Lord Kijin. You and Lord Reishin set the best example ever. The two of you are so loving it's embarrassing to watch, and I don't just mean the indiscreet bits either."

Koyu paused.

"It's true that I have no interest in girls. But I've more important things to think about right now. I hope to sit for the Imperial Examinations in two years' time. I guess the interest, in girls or boys, will eventually surface. Even if it doesn't, it does not matter."

The pale grey eyes twinkled.

"You know, Lord Kijin, there _are _other things in life besides sex!"

"Ouch."

Kijin laughed.

Watching Kijin walk towards the building, Koyu sighed. All these "talks", were they really initiated by Reishin? Koyu couldn't imagine it. Reishin had become even more aloof in the past year.

_If only Lord Reishin would come and talk to me._

**[The End]**

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**Notes:**

**(1) **"**Dumpling" is Kijin's pet-name for Reishin. The origin of this pet-name is related in my fanfic Ki-Jin.**

**(2) As with the canon universe, Reishin adopted Koyu when he found him running a lottery stall by the roadside. What is AU is that Koyu had lost all memory of the first eight years of his life. The most detailed account of the events leading to Koyu's amnesia is in my fanfic Blue Ribbon.**

**(3) If anyone thought that Kijin's plan was hare-brained, please, let me explain! ^_^**

**Many years ago, I read a charming little autobiographical book (can't remember the title, sorry) about this man, Philip Gonzales, who adopted cats. He found, through experience, that the super-nervous cats, those who didn't allow him to touch them, would always make the first overture when he's asleep. He would wake up to find the cat against his body. He believed that the cats were somehow better able to assess him/his intentions when he was asleep.**

**In the television sci-fi series Babylon 5, one of the alien races, the Minbari, has this custom. The woman gets to choose her mate. She does so by literally ****watching ****the intended male sleep. At the end of the sleeping session, she makes her decision. The belief behind that is that the woman is able to "feel" his character better when he's asleep. (By the way, in that scene, the poor guy, a human, was so nervous he couldn't get to sleep! haha)**

**The Minbari are portrayed as a race more advanced than humans in psychic powers. And animals are known to have senses beyond humans (cats in particular, is my personal belief). So, the idea is out there, somewhere, that watching a person sleep, when that person's guard/****defences****/walls are down, gives one a better "feel" of the person.**


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